


Home Is Where You Are

by rowdyhooligan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Past Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 19:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17029044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowdyhooligan/pseuds/rowdyhooligan
Summary: Home isn’t always a place, and family doesn’t always start with blood





	Home Is Where You Are

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted from tumblr: requested by @msauthoress: I was thinking maybe the reader could have been emotionally abused, like myself, so when she and Gadreel grow close she is afraid of a relationship/love because of her past?

Scrambling out of your chair, the wooden legs screeched against the bunker’s concrete floors as you lunged to your feet. “I have to- I better- I gotta go.”

Ignoring the bewildered looks aimed your way, you turned tail and walked out of the library as quickly as possible, leaving the Winchesters and the angels behind to speculate about your rather abrupt exit. You could feel the heavy weight of his stare on your retreating form and picked up your pace, only slowing when you turned a corner and were safely out of sight. Slumping against the wall, you gently banged your head on the concrete, cursing yourself for being such a coward.

When Gadreel first approached you a few days ago, you hadn’t known what to think. The idea that anyone, let alone a freaking  _angel_ , could be interested in you as more than just a hunting partner was unfathomable. You’d blanked, staring at him with wide-eyed disbelief before telling him you needed a few days to think it over and bolting like a hellhound was nipping at your heels. Ever since then, you’d invented excuses to avoid him, each one worse than the last.

It wasn’t that you weren’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him, far from it. Despite the rocky beginning- working as a double agent for Metatron and hijacking Sam’s body had done him no favors- he’d come to be a member of your hodgepodge family. After realizing that Metatron needed to be stopped and helping Cas bring him down, he’d worked tirelessly to prove himself to the Winchesters, and to you.

It was touch-and-go for awhile, both brothers reluctant to forgive and forget. But he persevered, displaying a wellspring of kindness, compassion, and intelligence. After several months of earning their trust and grudging respect, he began to work cases with you, providing angelic assistance when a situation turned dire. Always ready to protect those in his charge, whether it be you or innocent civilians thrown into the world of the supernatural, Gadreel had worked his way into your heart long ago. Never in your wildest dreams did you imagine your feelings might be reciprocated.

And how did you react to discovering they were? You ran, literally and figuratively. A one-sided infatuation was easy; you were free to swoon and admire from afar. But something more?  _That_ scared you. A relationship brought the possibility of pain. Let someone in- trust them, love them- and there was no end to the damage they could do to you. It was a lesson your father drilled into you since childhood, a lesson you still struggled to forget years later.

Hidden in your room, memories of the past threatened to overwhelm you. A nagging voice at the back of your mind whispered insidiously that if Gadreel was interested before, he certainly wouldn’t be now. You’d shown him what a coward you truly were, turning tail at the first opportunity. Squeezing your eyes shut, you willed the voice away, not entirely successful in blocking it out.

A knock at the door pulled you from your rapidly spiraling thoughts. Jerked back to the present, you weren’t at all surprised to find Gadreel on the other side. He looked apprehensive, as if he dreaded this conversation as much as you did. Stepping aside to let him enter, you inhaled deeply, gathering the courage to face what promised to be an awkward talk. Shutting the door in his wake, you turned to face him, unsure of what to say.

The air thick with tension, Gadreel was the first to speak, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. “I’m unsure of what I have done to offend you, but rest assured, it was not intentional. I would never seek to bring you discomfort, you must believe this.”

Trust him not to beat around the bush. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Gadreel.”

“Then why have you been avoiding me,” he asked, skeptical. “I admit I am unfamiliar with human behavior and customs, but it has become obvious to me that you avoid being in my presence. Ever since I confessed to being…drawn to you.”

“Gad-“

“I apologize if I have made you uncomfortable,” he continued, voice gentle and eyes filled with sadness, “that was never my intention. You needn’t hide away because you do not share my affections.”

“Hey, no, that’s not it. It’s- it’s not you, Gad. It’s me,” you said haltingly, rolling your eyes at the clichéd words.

He leveled you with a puzzled stare, confusion etched across his face. “I don’t understand.”

With a gusty sigh, you sat down heavily on the bed, gesturing for him to join you. He did so hesitantly, sensing your distress. Licking dry lips, you stared blankly at the wall and began to explain. “My dad, he was…a real piece of work. A hunter, like the Winchesters, but that’s where the similarities stop. That bastard was a nightmare to live with, always harping on about something or other. Nothing I ever did was good enough- _I_  was never good enough, not for him. I used to wear myself to the bone trying to impress him; I had to be faster, stronger, smarter. My aim needed work, every second it took me to figure out what we were hunting got people killed. Hell, I damn near got myself killed on a case once or twice, and boy did he have a field day with that.”

You paused, drawing in a shaky breath. Talking about your father after all these years still hurt like a son of a bitch. All your life, he’d made you feel worthless and unlovable, a burden he was forced to endure, his cross to bear. He’d taken every opportunity he could to ditch you, dropping you off at the homes of various ex-hunters for days or even weeks at a time, often with only the clothes on your back and a wad of cash for their troubles. Eventually, the time away from him became a blessing in disguise. At least with Dad gone, the constant stream of negativity stopped for awhile.

Gadreel shifted in his seat, drawing you from the brooding silence you’d lapsed into. Shaking your head in an effort to clear it, you continued, “Hearing that stuff every day…it gets to you. Especially when it’s coming from someone who’s supposed to love you, supposed to care about you. The day I was old enough to hunt on my own was the best day of my life…until I met you.”

“He was wrong,” Gadreel said solemnly, catching you by surprise when he took your hand between his own, “as well as blind, if he could not see the gift you truly are. Your strength, your intelligence, your capacity to love and forgive…he was very, very wrong.”

“It took years for me to convince myself of that; there are still times when I wonder.” Seeing him open his mouth to protest, you cut him off. “I know, I know. Dad was an asshole, and I know the things he said aren’t true. I just…it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Even after hunting with the Winchesters all these years, being part of their family, I still wait for the time they decide they don’t want me around anymore. It makes it hard to believe anyone would want to stick around. Especially someone as kind and honorable and selfless as you.”

“The Winchesters adore you,” he argued softly, “and if you would allow it, I would stay by your side always. There has never been a time when I am more at home than when I am with you.”

“Really?” There was no keeping the disbelief from your voice.

Gadreel nodded, raising your hand to his lips to press a soft kiss to the knuckles, before bringing your joined hands to rest over his heart. “Though this may only be a vessel, this heart beats for you, and you alone. There are no words to describe how I feel for you, so I must content myself with demonstrating it instead. And I shall, every day, if you will be mine as I am yours.”

“It’s going to be hard,” you warned, voice thick with emotion, “I’m going to withdraw sometimes, and get moody and quiet and sullen. I’ll do my best not to, but there will be times when I can’t help it.”

“I am no stranger to hardship, and I believe I am up to the task. Please, let me love you as you deserve to be- wholly, completely, and without reserve,” he pleaded, pressing your hand closer to his chest, sincerity shining in his eyes.

“Promise you’ll stay,” you begged softly, voice hitching as you lost the fight against tears.

He brushed them away with a gentle hand. “Father himself could not take me from your side. And should He try, I will fight with all that I am to return home to you. I swear it.”

Allowing yourself to be pulled into his lap, you tucked your head beneath his chin, the steady beat of his heart thumping against your ear. Surrounded by the scent and warmth of him, it was impossible not to believe his words. Swallowing hard, you made a choice, the choice to let yourself be vulnerable and allow someone in. “Gadreel?”

“Yes, dear one?”

“I promise too.”


End file.
